


To the Fade You Shall Return

by CherryMilkshake



Series: Reaching for the Beyond [1]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: In the Fade, M/M, Post-Canon, Post-Dragon Age: Inquisition, Rescue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-29
Updated: 2015-05-29
Packaged: 2018-04-01 20:43:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4033918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CherryMilkshake/pseuds/CherryMilkshake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If anyone in the world deserves a proper funeral, it's Hawke. And Anders is determined to give him one, lost to the Fade or not. And the first thing a funeral needs is a body to burn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To the Fade You Shall Return

**Author's Note:**

> A whole pile of kudos to [queenlua for being a fantastic beta. :D](http://archiveofourown.org/users/queenlua)
> 
> And here's [reference for Inquisitor Eloni](http://68.media.tumblr.com/7e45b70f92d4b90e1676f75825c622a1/tumblr_o75ftelW2E1qh2pnuo6_1280.png) if you want it.

_From the Fade I crafted you,_  
_And to the Fade you shall return_  
_Each night in dreams_  
_That you may always remember me._  
_-Threnodies 5:7_

* * *

Varric's letter said _I'm sorry,_ but Anders didn't want to hear anyone's apologies. He threw the letter into the fire, Justice's voice burning at the back of his mind, roaring about how someone would pay for the death of a man who saved so many lives.

The innkeeper who was his message-keeper looked at him with motherly concern. She thought he was just another refugee from Kirkwall's Circle. Her son had been taken from her. He'd escaped once, a child of fifteen, trying to get back to his mother and home. They had made him Tranquil. Anders thought sometimes that she saw that son in him, and didn't know how to feel about it. He hoped he didn't disappoint her. "What happened, Irving?" she asked quietly.

He had taken the First Enchanter's name. Every time he heard it, he wondered if the man was still alive. "My friend is dead," he said dully. He hated saying it aloud. Saying it made it _true_.

"Malcolm? Oh no. Honey, I'm so sorry." She reached across the counter for his hand. He took it, staring at the sharp bones that ran from her knuckles to her wrist.

"It should've been me," Anders whispered, voice suddenly strangled in his throat. "It should've been me."

He longed to travel to Skyhold, give the so-called _Inquisitor_ a taste of what he'd given Kirkwall, but he knew he couldn't, not with what the letter had said about the Wardens and Corypheus. He cursed his blood, cursed the Warden who'd conscripted him so long ago, cursed Varric and the Inquisitor and whoever else should have died in Hawke's place.

But he wasn't going to walk into Corypheus's sphere of influence.

So he waited. Kept an ear to the ground. Listened for whispers of Corypheus's defeat. Or the Inquisition's.

Four months after he received Varric's letter, a stirring went through the villages he passed through, excited messengers spreading the news that the Breach had been sealed and the magister defeated. Anders set out for Skyhold within the day.

* * *

He looked different than he had in Kirkwall. He'd cut his hair short, grown out his beard, changed how he dressed, stopped carrying a staff. It was enough to keep most people from recognizing him, even if they had met him in Kirkwall, but he hoped that Varric would have left to return to Kirkwall by the time he reached Skyhold.

He joined a group of pilgrims traveling to hopefully catch a glimpse of the fabled Herald of Andraste. The Dalish elf. Anders had laughed when he'd heard, but he supposed it could be stranger. Andraste did win the allegiance of the elves against Tevinter after all. It worked well enough to be somewhat believable. Something something, punishing the Chantry for docking Shartan's ears after the Exalted March, something something.

Skyhold was buzzing with people. Anders didn't know where to go. He slipped away from the pilgrims and around the soldiers trying to keep everything organized, and made his way to what looked like the entrance hall. And who was sitting there by the fire? The one person who would definitely recognize him. Fuck.

Anders tried to blend in with some of the nobles milling about, but he accidentally walked into one and the ensuing complaints drew Varric's eyes. The dwarf got up and immediately grabbed Anders by his belt, dragging him into a room off the main hall. For a moment, Anders was distracted by the beautiful murals decorating the walls, done in a style he'd never seen before. But when the door swung shut behind them, Varric pinned him to the wall.

"What are you doing here, Blondie? You got a death wish?"

"I want to meet with the person who killed Hawke," Anders said, his voice mixing with Justice's.

"Keep it down!" Varric hissed sharply, his eyes flickering up toward the tower's roof. Then he sighed and stepped back. "Look, Hawke was killed by a huge demon in the Fade. It wasn't like the Inquisitor executed him or something. What would you have had her do?"

"Not kill Hawke. He didn't deserve it, and you know it."

"I agree with you, but I also think the Inquisitor made the best decision she could while staring at a demon the size of a house." He ran his hand over his face. "You really should leave. This place is crawling with the faithful, and they sure as balls want your head on a pike. Hell, I kind of do myself. But I respect Hawke's judgment. And he wanted you to live."

Anders glared, crossing his arms over his chest. "Let me talk to the Inquisitor, or they'll all have a _new_ reason to want me dead."

Varric groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Stay here and just. Don't move. I'll see if she'll speak with you." He left the room, grumbling to himself about stupid mages and their stupid love lives.

Anders walked over to the desk in the middle of the room, looking at the papers scattered across it. Notes about the Fade rifts written in a jumbled mix of Common and Elvish, esoteric magical theories that made his head hurt when he tried to understand them, and a shard of metal that hummed with strange magic. Whose work was this?

The door opened again and Anders turned, expecting Varric. Instead, an elf walked in. "Get away from that desk," she snapped. Like most elves, she was short and petite, but she walked with the assurance of a seasoned warrior. She practically sizzled with magical energy. He had been expecting someone like Merrill, but at the moment, the Inquisitor reminded him more of Velanna.

She pushed black hair back with a brown hand and stared at Anders. There were no markings on her face. She _was_ Dalish, right?

"Sorry," she said after a moment. "I didn't mean to yell at you. I'm Eloni. And you're Anders. You and Hawke were…"

"Yes," Anders said shortly.

She sighed. "I'm sorry," she said, running a hand over her face. "I wish I could have saved him."

"What… actually happened?" Anders asked. He'd been expecting defensiveness, belligerence. He didn't know what to do with regret.

So she told him the whole story. Adamant Fortress, Clarel's final moments, the falling into the Fade, the demon called Nightmare, Hawke's last stand to allow the others to escape.

Anders sat down on the couch, his head bowed into his hands. That was something Hawke would do. Stupid, noble Hawke, always so willing to die to protect others. He'd always managed to walk away before, but it could never had lasted. "You said Stroud also offered to stay behind. Why did you let Hawke do it?" he asked in a small voice.

She ran her fingers through her hair, looking up at the mural with the Warden's crest. "The remaining Wardens needed someone to follow. Someone they trusted. Stroud was the only senior Warden left in Orlais. They needed him."

"You exiled them though," Anders pointed out.

"Yes, because I couldn't trust that Corypheus wouldn't take them again. Stroud understood that."

They sat in silence for a moment, the noise of the crowd outside filling the quiet.

"You were… physically in the Fade. Your mark allowed you to do that," Anders said slowly.

"Yes."

"So, do you think it would be possible to retrieve his body?"

Eloni was quiet for a long time, her thoughts racing. She glanced up toward the ceiling, where Anders could see a dark-haired man leaning over the next floor's railing, possibly eavesdropping. Eloni gestured for Anders to follow her outside. Once on the ramparts, she leaned in close."You know what? I bet we could," she whispered, her eyes shining. "It would be reckless, entering the Fade again, but everyone deserves a proper funeral." She stepped toward the rampart, staring up at a tower bearing the Inquisition's banner. "I needed an excuse to get out of this fortress," she muttered. "What could be a better purpose than this?" She turned back to Anders, full of manic energy. "Meet me at the back gate in a half hour." She pointed it out, then hurried back inside, full of purpose.

He didn't know what to think of her. Were all Dalish just slightly unhinged?

Anders figured out a way down to the gate she'd indicated. And soon, she appeared again, in full battlemage armor, hood pulled up over her face, flanked by Varric and a gangly human boy with straw-yellow hair and a weird hat. She shoved a staff into Anders' hands.

"This is Cole," Eloni said, indicating the human. "Cole, don't say anything you hear in his head until we're out of Skyhold."

Cole nodded. "That would be dangerous," he agreed in a dreamy voice.

Anders didn't understand, but he let it go for the moment. The Inquisitor had gone and fetched two horses. "You're with me," she said to Anders, indicated the dappled mare. Cole and Varric got onto the bay.

Anders scrambled up behind her, wrapped his arms around her waist, and they were off, leaving Skyhold behind.

"Where are we going?" Anders asked after they were well into the wooded mountains.

"The ruins of Adamant. We're going to stop at the village at the base of the mountain for supplies. It's a twelve day journey if we push ourselves hard."

"Is it safe now?" Cole asked.

"Yes, Cole. You can speak freely now."

"Justice is angry," he said to Anders. "He's always angry. You think it's your fault, but Justice doesn't know any other way. There will never be a just world here. It's too complicated. And it angers him. He wants to change it, but this world changes him instead."

"What did you tell him about me?" Anders snapped at Varric.

"Nothing, Blondie. The kid's a spirit, sort of. He gets into your head and tries to help you. You'll get used to it."

"How is he 'sort of' a spirit?"

"I made myself more human, so I couldn't be bound like a normal spirit," Cole explained. He frowned. "There was someone. They didn't like it when I did." He frowned, tugging at the brim of his hat. "Who was it?" he mumbled to himself.

Anders could feel her tense up under his arms.

"I can see him in your head. Bare-faced, but wise. 'Flat-ear' that Dalish woman called him once, but she was wrong." Cole frowned. "Why can't I remember?"

"He wanted you to forget, Cole," she answered stiffly. "And why don't you help someone else right now? I'm sure Anders here is just buzzing with hurts to be brought to light."

"Yes," Cole said. Anders grimaced. "You think you could have done something. If you weren't a Warden, it would be better. You could have been there. You could have done _something_. You want someone to _blame_. But there is no one."

"There's no way Hawke would have brought you to Skyhold," Varric said dryly. "The second the Seeker found out who you were, she would have run you through. No way Hawke would be letting you anywhere near that, Warden or no."

"Are you two a team now? Just throw the beastly elf in there and you'll have yourselves a nice little party."

Varric snorted. "Yeah, let's add Broody to this gathering. That would be grand."

"You don't think he'd like me," Cole said sadly.

"Kid, Broody doesn't like most people, but he especially doesn't like anything that even _smells_ like the Fade."

Cole looked with concern at his body. "I don't smell."

Varric chuckled. Anders sighed and resigned himself to the knowledge that he'd be spending at least the next two weeks with these people. At least he might be able to give Hawke the proper funeral he deserved.

"'I'm tired of telling the people I love goodbye,'" Cole murmured into the sudden quiet.

Anders smiled without mirth.

* * *

After a week, Anders did indeed get used to Cole, but he wasn't going to give Varric the satisfaction of telling him such.

From the rumors he'd heard of the Inquisitor, he had been expecting someone of bright and cheerful humor, always ready with a quip. But the woman he had found was mostly quiet and prone to long moments of silence, in which she heard nothing anyone said to her. During those spells, it was almost like she was in a trance, her eyes moving like she was watching a crowd of people around her, but there was never anyone there.

He was thinking about that late one night, as he sat watch by the fire. "She hurts," Cole said out of the darkness, sitting down beside him. "She finds it hard to laugh now. The voices bring comfort."

"What… happened?" Anders asked. After a week of Cole, he decided not to even touch that comment about voices. He felt a certain amount of empathy for her humor though. When he had fought alongside the Warden-Commander, humor had come easy. But when Justice had come, when he'd gone to Kirkwall, when Karl had died, when the tension between mages and templars had boiled up to the surface, and now, when he no longer even had Hawke to lean on… He found it hard to remember what it felt like to crack a joke.

Cole sighed. "She had them once, you know. The markings. _Vallaslin_. He took them from her. She loved him for it."

"I don't understand," Anders said with a frown. "I've known Dalish. They take a lot of pride in their markings. It's a whole 'coming of age' ritual. Why would she be happy to have them taken away?"

Cole shook his head. "I don't know."

"If you two are done gossiping, it's my turn to take the watch," came Eloni's voice. Anders felt a blush creep up his face.

"Sorry, Inquisitor," he mumbled.

"No need to use that title here," she said, sitting down. "And no 'Herald' or 'Your Worship's either. Just Eloni."

"Alright," Anders said. "I take it you aren't a believer in the Maker and Andraste then?"

"I believe that a barbarian woman named Andraste led a slave rebellion in Tevinter, but no, I don't think she was the 'bride' to some strange, distant god." She sighed and looked toward the sleeping Varric. Her eyes glowed like a cat's in the firelight. "As much as others would like to believe me some sort of prophet. Get some sleep, Anders. There's more hard riding tomorrow."

He groaned inwardly, thinking of his poor sore legs and ass, but he nodded and wished her a good night.

If he had dreams after that, they were forgotten in the morning's light.

* * *

The ruins of Adamant Fortress loomed like dragon's teeth out of the golden sands. He felt a pang, thinking about how much Warden blood surely filled the ground beneath his feet, imagining what the battle must have been like, to leave the building so destroyed.

"It wasn't just the dragon," Cole explained. "The Bull's Chargers also knocked down some of the walls. They buried the demons." He smiled fiercely. "It's good that it no longer stands. It will not hurt anyone else."

Eloni was holding her hand up to the ruins, moving it back and forth like it was a dowsing rod. Then, there was a rush and a crackle, and there was a void in the world, sickly green and pulsing with magic.

"Come on, Anders," she said. "Cole and Varric are going to take care of anything that escapes out while we look for Hawke's body."

"I just want to let the record show that I still think this is a terrible idea," Varric said, but he settled Bianca in his arms anyway.

"Thank you for not making me go back in there," Cole said.

"Noted, Varric. And you're welcome, Cole. Hopefully there's nothing too nasty lurking around."

Anders gripped the staff tightly in his hands as Eloni nodded to him and pulled him through.  
He didn't know what he had been expecting, but it wasn't a world of sickly greens and blacks, full of dripping water and lost spirits. Suddenly, Justice roared up under his skin, and he heard Justice's voice come from his mouth. " _What is this treachery? I should be able to release, I should be free! Why can't I leave?!_ "

Eloni swore under her breath. "Calm down," she said, stepping towards him. "It's alright, we will not be here long."

" _Why can't I move?! This is my realm! And yet I am shackled to this mortal form, pinned in place by a thousand knives!_ "

"We are still real here," Eloni said carefully. "Because we are still in our bodies, the rules of the world outside the Fade still apply. I know it is uncomfortable, and I apologize, but Anders deserves to be here for this mission, please."

Justice paused, looking at her, white-blue aura swirling around him, driving back some of the fog of Nightmare's realm. " _There is a righteousness in you,_ " he said at last. " _Your cause is just. Very well._ "

Anders sighed in relief as he felt his body come back to him, but he still felt oddly unbalanced.

Eloni was giving him a strange look.

"What is it?" he asked.

"Half of you is still glowing." She pointed at his left side. And sure enough, the veins of light still thrummed across his skin, though he was controlling the hand.

"Well, that's disconcerting." He kind of wished he could give Justice back the reins.

"If that's the weirdest thing we see here, I'll be grateful," Eloni said darkly. She looked up at the Black City where it stood against the sky, far away and yet closer than Anders had ever seen it.

"So," Anders said after a moment. "This looks nothing like my dreams."

She didn't react to the jest. "Welcome to Nightmare's realm. Let's be quick."

"The Fade is infinite though. Where do we even begin?"

She paused, looking down at a puddle. She was standing in it, barefoot as elves preferred to be, and yet when she lifted her foot free, it was dry. "The Fade is shaped by intent and emotion," she said quietly. "Remain focused, and it will lead you where you wish to go." Something in her words echoed strangely, like they belonged to someone else. "Focus on Hawke. Picture him. Picture finding him. I will do the same."

So for a moment the two mages stood in silence, thinking of Hawke, listening to the soft dripping of water and the humming of distant spirits. Soft footsteps caught their attention.

Standing in front of them was a mabari. It wagged its tail and barked.

"Rabbit?" Anders asked in confusion.

"I definitely see a mabari," Eloni said warily.

"No, I do too. But this mabari… It's Hawke's. His name is Rabbit."

Rabbit barked.

"How is Hawke's dog here?" Anders asked. "He was left with Aveline and Donnic."

"Are you a spirit of Purpose?" Eloni asked it.

Rabbit barked and jumped once, wagging its tail.

"Purpose?" Anders had never heard of such a thing. Though, he had also never heard of Justice before meeting him.

"A friend of mine told me about them," Eloni said, scratching the dog-spirit behind the ears. "Are you going to take us to Hawke's body?"

Rabbit-Purpose barked happily and half-turned, looking at them expectantly.

"So…" Anders frowned. "We're just going to follow this Fade spirit, because you think it's a helpful one your friend told you about."

"If you have a better idea, I'm all ears." When she raised her eyebrows, the tips of her long ears twitched.

Anders sighed. He had no ideas at all. "Just making sure of the plan, I guess."

Rabbit-Purpose barked again and trotted off into the mire. Anders eyed the wraiths in the distance, but they didn't approach the little group. Demonic whispers echoed around them, but it was no worse than the whispers he heard in his dreams. _I can give you the power to raise the dead. I can restore those you have lost. Just let me in._

What was worse, was that Anders kept seeing Hawke out of the corner of his eye. He didn't know if they were Fade echoes of the Inquisitor's memories, or if it was a demon's trick. He shivered as the thought crossed his mind that this was where Hawke had finally died. What if they came across his spirit as it made its way to the Maker's side?

Some of the whispers shifted their tactics. One low rumble began to predominate. _Ahh, "Anders". You never even told him your real name, did you? It was I who killed him, you know. He was an impressive mage, to be sure, but even a man who killed a qunari in single combat cannot stand against all his fears come to life._

"He really killed the Arishok in single combat?" Eloni asked. Her voice splintered with how hard she tried to keep it light. "I thought Varric made that up."

"Yep, he really did." Anders matched her tone. "It was less impressive than Varric made it sound though. It was mostly a lot of definitely-not-screaming and Fade stepping to dodge horns. Eventually he won by knocking a pillar on top of the brute. It hit him just right and snapped his neck. The aftermath for Hawke was a ripped tendon in his leg, bruises basically everywhere, and the inability to draw on any of his natural mana stores for nearly a month. He nearly went mad from having to turn down jobs."

"He needed the money?"

Anders shook his head. "He wanted to help people. Hawke is… Hawke was a person who lived for helping people, no matter who they were. Mother's ring lost in the well? Hawke would cobble together a fishing line and sit there with you until you got it out. Slavers trying to grab refugees from Darktown? Hawke was there to stop them. Need somebody to check out weird noises in your attic? Hawke would do that. He was… He was." Anders had to stop, his throat contracting painfully.

Eloni seemed to understand. "The Hawke I knew seemed more concerned with Corypheus," she said. "I got the impression he thought it was his fault somehow. Just like Varric seems to think the red lyrium is his fault."

Anders hummed a small acknowledgment. He still didn't trust his voice.

"That low voice is Nightmare by the way," she said. "Keep watch for fearlings. They're spiders for me, but I don't know what you'll see."

 _Templars,_ he thought immediately. They would be templars. They were always fucking templars.

"Rabbit, we're not going _toward_ Nightmare, are we?" she asked the spirit.

It whined.

"I really hope that's a no," she mumbled.

The two lapsed into silence, water sloshing around them as they found a mire and began to follow the dog through it. A groan somewhere to the right drew their attention. "An… ders…"

Hawke was sprawled over one of the sandbars, blood pouring from a wound in his neck.

"Hawke!" Anders yelled and ran, drawing healing magic into his hands.

Rabbit was barking loudly, but Eloni's voice rose above it. "Anders, no! That's not Hawke!!" He felt her arms wrap around his shoulders, holding him back with surprising strength.

Hawke groaned again and collapsed, the blood oozing into the shallow water.

"What are you doing?!" Anders yelled, writhing in her grip. "Hawke!!" He called up lightning, letting it race across his back into her chest. With a cry, she let him go. He scrambled to Hawke's side. "Hawke," he whispered. "No, no, you weren't alive all this time just to die in front of me, no no no." But the healing magic didn't take.

Anders ran his hand over Hawke's face, tears burning in his eyes.

Suddenly the body twitched, and Hawke's hands were closing around his throat. "You couldn't save me," he snarled, his voice _wrong_. "For all your healing prowess, you have never been able to save the people you love the most."

A fireball from Eloni's staff knocked Hawke away, letting Anders scramble back, coughing. "It's a fear demon!" she barked. "It only looked like Hawke to _you_!"

Ah yes, now that he knew it was a fear demon, there was the templar armor. How had he not noticed it?

The demon hissed, but shrieked and vanished into nothing when Eloni hit it a few more times.

Anders sat there in the muck, gasping for breath and shaking. "What did you see?" he asked her.

"A giant fucking spider," she grumbled. "If you're going to be seeing Hawke every time, we might have a problem. How is Hawke your fear?"

Anders shook his head, using the staff to help him to his feet. "It's not Hawke," he said dully. "It's _dying_ Hawke."

"Oh. Well then, tell me if you see another one. If _I_ see a spider, then we'll make it go away." She began making her way back to where the dog sat, waiting for them.

Anders nodded and followed her. _Hawke was a better mage than you_ , a voice hissed in his ear. _If he couldn't survive this place, what makes you think_ you _will?_

* * *

The realm around them began shifting in color, going from green to more red, reminding Anders somehow of a hearth. A cozy circle around a fire. Good friends and good wine. Days long passed that he could get back if he just…

"This is a Sloth demon's realm I think," Eloni snapped. "Stay alert."

Ah yes, he knew about Sloth demons. Anders thought of battle, of his Harrowing, of Karl's death—sharp, angry thoughts to keep the growing calm at bay.

Rabbit-Purpose looked back now and again at its followers, making sure they were still there. Eloni's hands were shaking on her staff. Anders grabbed her shoulder. "Are you okay?"

"No," she said sharply. "It's taunting me with my own fantasies. I feel sick."

The mabari whined.

"Are we almost to Hawke?"

It barked happily.

"Good." She looked around. "I wonder if he lived long enough to make it out of Nightmare's realm, or if he weakened it enough that its realm shrunk?"

Rabbit-Purpose whined again.

"Sorry," she said. "Focus, right."

It whined again, more insistently. It was no longer moving, standing in front of a rock formation that seemed to form some sort of alcove. It scratched at the "entrance".

If Anders turned his head quickly, he could see some sort of shimmer to it, like heat rising. Eloni reached towards it, her hand meeting resistance. This time she pressed the marked hand to it, causing the barrier to glow green. She grabbed Anders' hand and pulled them both through.

He found himself in Hawke's living room in Kirkwall. Hawke was sleeping on the couch, his head in the lap of… a different Anders. The imposter was stroking Hawke's hair in a soothing gesture while Hawke's chest rose and fell in peaceful slumber.

Anders' heart skipped a beat, waiting for it to be another fear demon, but no gruesome injuries appeared.

Hawke was alive. Hawke was _alive_.

In another chair, Leandra and a girl who could only be Hawke's sister were reading. His brother, Carver, who had died in the Deep Roads many years ago, was seated in front of the fire, polishing a sword. And in a chair opposite Leandra, a tall man with a dark beard was making sparks in his hands. The man was blurry somehow, his face shifting a little every time Anders looked at him.

The imposter Anders looked up at the two interlopers. "Who are you?" he asked, narrowing his eyes. "You're not supposed to be here."

Anders glared at him, feeling Justice burning at his still-glowing fingertips. "I could ask you the same question," he snapped.

"Shh," the imposter said, as Hawke stirred in his lap. "You're bothering him."

Eloni grabbed Anders' arm, pulling him back to hiss into his ear. "It's drawing power from Hawke. This isn't a particularly strong demon on its own. Get it off of Hawke and we should be able to defeat it."

Anders nodded grimly. "Damn right I'm bothering him! You're a demon!" His staff glowed. "Let him go."

"He wants me here," the demon Anders cooed, smoothing its hands over Hawke's face. Its voice was no longer Anders'. "He was so tired and so, so lonely. Poor dear. Left here alone, forgotten. He's happy here. Look, all of his family is here. Kirkwall is safe. Varric, Isabela, and Fenris come to play cards on the weekends. Aveline and Donnic are expecting their first child. Merrill was accepted back into her clan. Sebastian is still with the Chantry, which is intact and whole."

The demon met Anders' eyes in a challenge.

"Why would you want to make him sad? Hasn't he suffered enough at your hands?"

It eased out from under Hawke and stood, walking up to Anders. "You started the rebellion after all. Forced him to leave his home. Again. This time without any of his family, because, oh right, you couldn't save any of them. Some healer you are. You should just stay here. _Rest_. There is no war here. You could be Hawke's comfort."

For a moment, Anders imagined the demon taking someone else's form, leaving Anders to be himself, sitting with Hawke in this perfect, peaceful place. No more war. No more templars.

In the back of his mind, Justice was roaring, and Anders knew the demon was just saying things to tempt him. He _knew_ it, and yet…

"Anders." Eloni's voice cut through his spiraling thoughts. "Focus."

The demon smiled as it looked at her. " _Inquisitor_ Lavellan. If there is anyone who deserves to rest here, it is you. You are so tired of being a symbol to these useless _shemlen_. What's stopping you from just… staying here? Who knows, perhaps you'll even see _him_ again, as he ceaselessly wanders the Fade."

She blasted the demon with a bolt of fire, knocking it back into the chair where Leandra and Hawke's sister were sitting. The two of them vanished like smoke.

As Eloni battled the demon, Anders rushed over to Hawke, shaking him by the shoulders. "Hawke, wake up, we have to go," he whispered. "The demon is feeding off you. If you wake up, it'll be weakened. Come on!"

" _Leave him!_ " the demon roared, turning to smoke as it flew to get between Anders and Hawke. Anders leapt back, readying his staff as Eloni ran to join him.

From behind the demon came a soft voice. "Leave them alone."

Hawke was awake, magic glowing in his palms.

The demon went back to pretending to be Anders. "Go back to sleep, love," it said sweetly, stroking his cheek. Hawke frowned, looking between the demon and the real Anders in sluggish confusion.

"Hawke," Anders said. "Don't listen to it. It's a sloth demon." The illusion of Carver grabbed Anders from behind, covering his mouth.

"Shut up, demon," it said.

"No, Hawke," the demon said, still in a sickly sweet approximation of Anders' voice. "That's a rage demon. It's trying to possess you. It will kill your family, your friends. Don't listen to it. See how poorly it wears my face?"

Hawke blinked, still dazed. "But Anders has a spirit of Justice inside him, not a rage demon."

"I do," the demon said. "But demons can change their forms, didn't you know that, love?"

Eloni, who had been silently watching, took advantage of the demon's attention on its prey and blasted the illusion holding Anders with a fireball.

"Carver!" Hawke yelled. He shook the demon off and ran to where the illusion of his brother had fallen, but there was no body. Hawke looked at Eloni, narrowing his eyes. "I know you," he said slowly.

"You do," she said, whipping her staff around to hit the sloth demon bodily as it tried to get ahold of Hawke again. "And you have to listen to me. The distorted one is your Anders, the Anders who carries Justice."

"She lies," the demon said. "She's another demon. They all lie!"

"Hawke, you have to remember," Anders pleaded, moving carefully toward Hawke. "None of this is real. You don't live in Kirkwall anymore. Bethany, your father… They never did at all. I never got the chance to meet them. Remember."

Hawke looked at the empty chair where his mother and sister had been. And the blurry figure, now merely a shadow, sitting opposite it. "You're right," he murmured. The walls of the living room were beginning to dim, fade out of existence. "This isn't real."

"It _is_ real," the demon said hastily, reaching to touch Hawke again, but Hawke avoided its searching hand. "Love, please," it whispered.

Hawke shook his head, expression losing more and more of its cloudiness. It was replaced by a deep sadness. "It's not real," he repeated.

The demon could no longer feign being Anders. Its form twisted and roiled as it screeched in frustration. Eloni and Anders both pummeled it with magic, until it slinked away as little more than a wraith.

There were only rocks now, and the Black City hanging hazily in the sickly green sky.

Anders tentatively reached for Hawke, who pulled him into a tight embrace, burying his face into Anders' collar. Anders could feel the tears soaking into his neck, but he knew Hawke wouldn't want him to draw attention to them. He just wrapped his arms around Hawke's back and held him close.

The spirit of Purpose nudged at their legs. "Rabbit?" Hawke asked in confusion.

Anders explained quickly, while the spirit wagged its tail happily.

"Will you show us back the way we came?" Eloni asked it.

It barked and shook itself, bounding in front of her to begin leading the way. Anders let Hawke go gently, sliding his hand down Hawke's arm into his palm. They followed the Inquisitor hand in hand, back through Nightmare's realm and to the glowing rift they'd entered through. The journey back had been much shorter somehow.

Some wraiths were eyeing the rift with suspicion and curiosity, but it didn't look like anything major had escaped to reality. Eloni made sure that Anders and Hawke got through, watching behind them in case anything happened.

Anders all but hissed when his eyes met the bright sunlight of the Western Approach, but he didn't have time to comment before Varric had shoved him aside to embrace Hawke. Cole was looking at them, his face blank.

"You _asshole_ ," Varric muttered, squeezing Hawke ever tighter. "How dare you pull this shit on me?"

"I'm sorry," Cole said, staring at Hawke with sad eyes. "You did the best you could, you know."

After a few more moments of Varric's hug, Hawke went back to Anders, enveloping him in his arms like Anders was a lifeline. "The demon couldn't get the smell right," he murmured into Anders' collar. "My memory of it never lasts, until I'm with you again and I remember. Smoke, ash, musk, lyrium…" His voice was soft, so fragile that Anders felt like Hawke was going to shatter. "You had better be real."

"I am," Anders said softly, holding Hawke so tightly that his armor was surely going to leave bruises on his chest later. "I promise you, I am."

"What took you so long?" he heard Varric say, and he glanced up to watch Eloni step out of the rift and close it behind her.

"I just wanted to check something…" she said vaguely. Cole had crept closer to her, watching silently, his head cocked as if he were listening to something.

"How are we going to get five people onto two horses?" Varric wondered aloud.

Eloni rubbed the mark on her hand, her gaze fixed on the sand under her feet. "You and Cole go back to Skyhold," she said, then looked at Hawke and Anders. "I don't know if you want to separate from Justice, Anders, but if you do, I suggest going to see the Avvar in the Frostback basin. The mages there learn magic by allowing themselves to be possessed by spirits. If anyone knows how to separate spirit and mage, it would be an Avvar augur. Just tell them Inquisitor First-Thaw sent you, and they shouldn't give you any trouble. You can take the bay."

Anders couldn't even think about that, not with Hawke being _alive_ after he'd been "dead" for months, but he thanked her for the advice.

"And where will you be going?" Varric asked her.

"I have a lead to pursue. Tell Cassandra and the others I'll be a few months more." She spun around and shot a bolt of lightning which arced around the corner of some of the ruins and elicited a yelp from the person hiding there.

A woman in a green cowl and the Inquisition's mark on her chest appeared, looking uncomfortable.

"If you continue to follow me, I will kill you," Eloni said darkly. "I will not be followed around by spies like I'm some sort of enemy. Tell that to Leliana."

"Yes, Your Worship," the woman murmured and scampered away.

Eloni sighed heavily. "Go, Varric, Cole. Please."

"How do you know you'll find him?" Cole asked worriedly. "What if the answers you want only lead to more hurt?"

"Then I'll come to you and you can help me," she said with a gentle smile. "But for now, please, go back to Skyhold with Varric."

Cole nodded and went to help Varric adjust the mare's saddle.

"Eloni," Anders said after a moment. "Thank you. For everything."

"Don't mention it." She paused. "And please don't return to Skyhold. When Cassandra and Vivienne learn I knew you were there and didn't let them at you, they'll be royally pissed."

"Understood." He rubbed Hawke's back. "Come on, love, let's get saddled up."

"You going to be okay, Hawke?" Varric was clearly worried.

"I will, Varric. I'm just… adjusting back to reality. I feel like I've missed so much." His voice was strained and so _tired_. Anders didn't know if he really should be traveling at all. Not that they had a choice. The Western Approach wasn't the most hospitable place, especially not if one had to avoid the Inquisition camps.

"I'll fill you in on the way to wherever we go," Anders said with slightly forced cheer. "Maybe we can get a message to Isabela and play raiders again. That was sort of fun."

"Fun for you maybe," Hawke said with a weak chuckle. " _You_ don't get horribly seasick."

They got up on the horse, Anders at the reins, and began following Varric. Their road would be the same for some time. They should probably get a boat if they were going to meet Isabela in Rivain, Anders thought. It would be faster than trying to cross the Frostbacks, even on horseback.

He turned back for a moment to look at Eloni, who was standing before the ruins, waving as they departed. He wondered who she was looking for.

Hawke sighed and tightened his hold around Anders' waist, tucking his head against his neck, pulling Anders' attention back.

After they had traveled for some time and the ruins were far behind them, Hawke spoke. "Varric," he said. "I'm surprised that it was only you and the spirit with the Inquisitor. I thought that bald elf would leap at the chance to enter the Fade again."

"Chuckles? Yeah," Varric said. "But he's been missing since the night Corypheus was defeated."

"Really? The impression I'd gotten from him and the Inquisitor was…"

"Yeah, me too. But they had some sort of falling out the day her tattoos disappeared. I overheard some of the argument. Seems like he left her, but was refusing to tell her why. I don't know if there's more to it though."

"She hears the voices of the Well," Cole said quietly. "Perhaps they told her something."

Varric sighed. "Maybe, kid. Maybe."

"I hope she hurts less when she returns," Cole mumbled, resting his chin on Varric's head. "She is my friend."

"I couldn't agree with you more, kid." Varric patted Cole's hand where it sat on his stomach.

Anders didn't have anything to add. He didn't know the Inquisitor well at all, and had no idea what she had been like before. But he did know that she had helped him get Hawke back from an impossible place. No matter what, he would always be grateful.

Maybe it was time to separate from Justice after all. Hawke's dream had been of peace. Anders felt like he owed the man at least that much, after all of this.

But that was a conversation and decision for another time. For now, there was the horse below his aching ass, the sun was beating down overhead, and there was the familiar weight and warmth of Hawke against his back.

He hoped this strange lightness would last.

Commissioned from [illusbal](http://illusbal.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr.

**Author's Note:**

> Wanna know what's up with Eloni? The next story in this "series" is about her.


End file.
